I stab myself repeatedly

This is surrounded by a thousand knives pointing out at me.  Saying "keep away", yet I still lean in closer...impaling myself to catch a glimpse.  Curiousity.  I struggle against my body's response, against my mind's logic.  Another inch closer, I know the cut is deeper.  It's one of those wounds that you don't feel until later.  Until after the knife is removed, and your blood comes rushing out.  Two years.  Almost two years and not a word.  And now this.  Still nothing is uttered.......but there is a connection again, however tenuous. 


I should not still care, not after everything that happened.  but I do.  WHY am I still chained to this??  6 years.  That's why.  And I feel the stabs on my wrists and ankles everytime I try to forget you.


Too many things still haunt me.

The way I stayed because I wanted to fix you.

The way neither one of us would talk about it.

The way you called me, broken, and begged me to come to you.

How stupid I was to believe you actually needed me, that you cared the same.

How your brother would tell me he was glad you had me, b/c you were a fucking fall down mess.

But most of all.....the way your father spoke to me.  He pleaded with me to save you.  Fell down to his knees in front of me and cried.   I had never seen him cry before.  He gripped  my hands tightly, tears flowing down his face; soaking his workshirt.  I made him sit with me.  I held him, cradled him like a child, and I told him I would.  I promised.  He thanked me, tears renewed.  Hugging me tightly (never did that before either) telling me how I was like a daughter to him.  How I had helped keep your family together all those times before, when he thought he was going to lose it.  I comforted him, assured him things would be alright.  Then I took you out to dinner.  You were so hopeful.  Told me how you couldn't imagine doing these things without me, that being with me made it so you could walk in this world.  I soothed your doubts and fears.  I told you we'd figure it out.  I promised.  I dropped you off at your house.  I also dropped everything we had.  I left you there and walked away.  Truth be told, I fucking ran for all I was worth.  Changed my number and left town.  Not a single syllable of an explanation, just gone.

I never told anyone what happened.

I thought I had escaped.  A solid break and covering my tracks.  Not even that could keep you away. 

So we stand here in silence.  You're surrounded, I know this.  I was there when you built the fence.  And I know what happens when I get too close.  But still I'm reaching.  Punctures.  Multiple now, making holes that will become scars; more for the collection you've given me. 

But I have to know.  Who have you become?  Did you come to your senses, and fight for yourself?  Or have you slipped further into darkness?  If the latter I know that there is a strong chance you will pull me back under.  All you would have to do is look at me.  Look at me with those eyes.  The purest jade green, and all trickery.

If I could just see before you catch me looking.  I lean ever closer.  Ignore the knife I just plunged into my heart.