I wish I knew.

Long gone are the days of sitting on the patio in the setting California sun, talking with my Uncle about everything and nothing.  Our cigarettes the only illumination in the twilight, sharing secrets we never told my mother.  The nights of sipping sweet tea with my Aunt, and watching The Deadliest Catch religiously.  Snuggled in her warm embrace as she petted my hair and made me feel so loved.  Laying out by the pool at 3 in the morning just watching the stars, contemplating on life's mysteries. 

I remember how it felt to leave.  We just sat around all day, willing time to stop.  Not much was spoken, but everything was said.  I knew it was a bad idea, leaving.  I knew that if I went I wouldn't be back for a long time, if ever.  But I did anyway.  On days like this I try to pull back the gloom and remember what it felt like to be in the sun.  We were different people.  Jubilant, warm, and free.  Not anymore.  I'm here now, and I can't recall why.  What was the reason?  And I cry.  I wish I knew.  I wish I knew why I did this to myself.