Someone's gonna have to explain this to me.

Why do I have to be bubbly & upbeat every-fucking minute of every fucking day?  Why is it that if I'm quiet for longer than 30 seconds, or if the smile that I plaster on my face is less than stellar, that everyone assumes I'm pissed/sad/suicidal (fucking suicidal, REALLY? GEESUS) whateverthefuck?

What really pisses me off and saddens me to no end is the fact that you think that if I'm not crazy hyper, and perky that something is wrong.  It saddens me that you don't know me at all.  I bet you have no idea that I actually hate talking.  But it's easier to fill the silence than deal with your ignorant questions.  So I do talk, a lot.  So much so that some days I wish I were mute.  You don't have a clue that I think words are pretty fucking useless.  I mean they have uses, yes, that's not what I mean.

I will spew out whatever just to quell you questions and remarks.  I have no feeling behind anything I'm saying to you, I'm just filling the air to make you comfortable.  So my words are useful in shutting you up, but they're empty, therefore completely useless.

It is different if we're talking on a certain level.  Then I'm happy to try and talk it out with you.  Though I feel incredibly awkward, b/c nothing anyone ever says sound right at times like that, but still I don't mind trying.

Hmm..... what else?  I hate repeating myself or being asked to explain myself.  If you ask me if I'm ok and I say "fine", then you ask me "are you sure?" if I wasn't sure I wouldn't have said so, and furthermore if I wasn't and really wanted to tell you I'd fucking say so.  And having to make explanations, if you can't see why I did something I did, you really weren't paying attention.  Besides the fact that I rarely do anything out in the open that isn't pretty fricken clear, if you didn't catch it then it obviously wasn't meant for you.


To close, it's not to say that all talk is all bad.  Or that being upbeat is a crime.  But if I'm not firing on all cylinders can you just assume that I might just be a little tired?  As is usually the case.  Because if something was really wrong I would A) say nothing, B) avoid the subject like the plague, and C) do my best to make damn sure you never pick up on the fact that there is an actual problem.


One of these days I'm going to end up packing all my shit and leaving in the middle of the night.  Become an invisible citizen in some all consuming city, or maybe an obscure hick town, and never look back.