human afterall

and apparently broken, though no one seems to know where.  and it's unnerving.  I am scared.  I am worried.  I am freaked the fuck out.  and I know it's not time for all that yet.  but I'm young.  I'm supposed to be invincible.  or something like it.

Thing was none of this even occurred to me until I talked to my brother.  He comes up to me out of the blue the other day and asks, "Where's mom?  Are you sick or something?  Did the mail come yet?"


I know that when he is nervous he does that.  Asks many questions with the one he most wants to talk about sandwiched in between.  Because he's afraid to say it.  I would even bet he probably rehearsed the whole thing at least four times before coming to me.

"I don't know.  Excuse me?  And no, not yet."

Right when he sat on the couch I fucking lost it.  The internal panic switch flipped.  He looked just like he did all those years ago when he got attacked.  When he cuddled up in my arms and cried.  Right after he found out he was going to need plastic surgery to fix his face.  Scared, confused, worried, and a little broken.

I could see him going through the mental checklist of everything he wanted to ask.  And he did, very systematically.  What are they looking for?  Why?  What tests?  How long?

I tried to answer as calmly and nonchalant as possible.  But he just kept staring at me with those steel blue eyes.  Searching for what I was thinking to be written on my face.  Nice try big bro, you know that shit doesn't work on me.  Might ruffle me for a second, but that's all.

After awhile he got up off the couch, and as he left he said "Well, I'm sure there's nothing to be worried about anyway."  Though he didn't have his face quite turned all the way when he said it.  The look he wore was my undoing.  He didn't believe a single word he was saying.  Sorry Bub, but out of the two of us you've always been the one who can't lie worth a damn.  You never could keep your emotions off your face.

Him being scared makes me scared.  I've always been attuned to his emotional state since we were young.  It gets even worse the longer we're in close proximity to one another.  He knows this, he's been trying to avoid me.  But hey, it's a small house, there's really nowhere to run.

Same here for me.  No escape route.  One-way street and it fucking sucks.