deafmute

I don't want to hear what you have to say
I don't want to speak

words mean nothing



I don't care if it hurts

you or me

I just want silence

keep your opinions

I didn't ask for them

I never will

I feel a disconnect coming again

cut the wires

turn off the phone

leave it all behind

view the unseen

watch it all burn, fade, fall away

Outstretched Hands : Sorrow of 1,000 winters

As winter fell down London town,
I feel the walls closing in

The silver sky is turning us, to stone, 

We hide beneath the ground,
Feeling so broken and,

Cannot tell the day and night, 

Apart.







Well I think,
But I'm not sure,


I don't know how, It is, we came to be here

Doesn't it seem strange?

I mean, could it be it's not really happening now.

And the animal,
Is always in your heart,


And the animal,
Will forever be waiting where you are.

Breathe in the air for me,




You tell me what it feels like, To be, free,


But your innocent experience,
Can lead you astray sometimes.

And passion isn't always the key

So you dig in and I hold out,
And don't let go for nothing,

Didn't you see me fall? 

...Unless it's not really happening at all.

Angel,
And the animal,
Will always be in your heart,


Angel,
And the animal,
Forever will be where you are,

One day 

You remember this

When all has come to pass

One day 

You remember you are 

Not the one you think you are

As winter left off London town,
I feel my heart opening
So I, turn around and breathe you in,
Again.

Yoav - Angel and the Animal

you don't get curtain calls here

Morrissey fills the room, not that I need it.  nothing's quiet in my head.  staring at the ceiling through lenses not my own, but I see the same.  I wonder what the paint will look like in 5 years.  10.  30.  Will it still be here?  Will I?  Facing mortality, whether it be your own or a close friends, is an experience like none other.  You've never felt more dead or more alive.  Broken, but stronger than ever.  Weak and scared shitless, but ready to fight harder than you imagined you were able.

we cling to one another.  share our burdens with each other when the load becomes too heavy.  This is how we make it.  this is how we live.  we cannot do it alone.  and sometimes, reminding ourselves of that is enough to get us through.  take us up and over, where we all fly free and fearless.

The make-shift heart and it's musings; Singulus/Concordis

in the end all we are; faded sense of self, piles of excuses.  half awake and fully dead, no one notices how we're all the same.  convinced of others greater fortune, blind to our own.  things held on pedestals where they don't belong.  where words become useless behind double meanings.  things seen more clearly through blind emotion, but locked away from the world.  if ever there was a time to be, to think, to feel; it would be now.  this moment. this moment. this moment.

comprehension fails me.  why the fear of breaking yourself, if everyone's already shattered?  together we adhere, apart we're just pieces of the endless puzzle.

there is too much to say, and time is but a passing friend.

cheap imitations are better than nothing.

Swallow the bitter relief.  Long, hard gulps.  Looking for that second when it all starts to fade.

I look for nothing.
I want for nothing.  Well, nothing more than another. And another still.

It helps to take things out of focus.

Everything just seems better when the edges of my reality are blurred.

though nothing changes

I am unchanged

amber hues of liquid bliss.

stay in the moment

pretend

and never to return

to write what I feel seems a betrayal of sorts.  and I wish I knew.

what do you do with a claustraphobic heart?

close your eyes and the rest will follow.

human afterall

and apparently broken, though no one seems to know where.  and it's unnerving.  I am scared.  I am worried.  I am freaked the fuck out.  and I know it's not time for all that yet.  but I'm young.  I'm supposed to be invincible.  or something like it.

Thing was none of this even occurred to me until I talked to my brother.  He comes up to me out of the blue the other day and asks, "Where's mom?  Are you sick or something?  Did the mail come yet?"

Outstretched Hands: Pocket the Universe.

Why is it that most people are incredibly ignorant about what they should be infinitely knowledgeable about?  Know thyself.  Seems a relatively simple concept.  But people tend to over-complicate it.  Weigh it down with a million different things, instead of letting it be.

Is it fear that keeps you from looking inward?  From conversing openly with yourself and your true inner nature? It's just you, and you're stuck with yourself until you make your grand exit.  So why not be on familiar terms?



I feel like this isn't making much sense, I happen to be slightly out of it as I write this.  I can't seem to properly voice what it is I'm getting at...

Unsettled

So after 15 minutes of bawling like a fricken child I am finally calm enough to....to...IDFK breathe? think properly?  whateverthefuck.  didn't even get 40 minutes of sleep in before I woke up screaming.  (not to mention woke everyone in my house and probably a two block radius.)   It's been a long time since it's been like this.  I guess it was too much wishing that these kind in particular had stopped completely.  and God, I'm tired.  so fricken tired, but I'm afraid to sleep.  How pansy-assed is that?!  I just can't handle the things I see.

Sod off!

Have I been working a lot?  Ish.  Am I tired? Ish-ish.  Have I been a bit distracted? Ish.  Do I give a fuck?  No.



So yeah maybe I'm picking up extra hours.  But when that money's in the bank, the time won't seem so bad.

And yeah I'm a bit tired-ish, and maybe I haven't been resting properly, BUT really...  What the hell else would I do with myself?  I need to work, and I refuse to give up ANY of the other of my side interests. (tweeting, LJ, drawing, etc.)  So yeah.  I just sleep more on my days off, I figure it all evens out in the end.

So I admit, grudgingly, that my focus has been split; more than I'd like.  But that can be remedied with a day planner and a pen.  So there.  :P

Someone's gonna have to explain this to me.

Why do I have to be bubbly & upbeat every-fucking minute of every fucking day?  Why is it that if I'm quiet for longer than 30 seconds, or if the smile that I plaster on my face is less than stellar, that everyone assumes I'm pissed/sad/suicidal (fucking suicidal, REALLY? GEESUS) whateverthefuck?

What really pisses me off and saddens me to no end is the fact that you think that if I'm not crazy hyper, and perky that something is wrong.  It saddens me that you don't know me at all.  I bet you have no idea that I actually hate talking.  But it's easier to fill the silence than deal with your ignorant questions.  So I do talk, a lot.  So much so that some days I wish I were mute.  You don't have a clue that I think words are pretty fucking useless.  I mean they have uses, yes, that's not what I mean.

I will spew out whatever just to quell you questions and remarks.  I have no feeling behind anything I'm saying to you, I'm just filling the air to make you comfortable.  So my words are useful in shutting you up, but they're empty, therefore completely useless.

It is different if we're talking on a certain level.  Then I'm happy to try and talk it out with you.  Though I feel incredibly awkward, b/c nothing anyone ever says sound right at times like that, but still I don't mind trying.

Hmm..... what else?  I hate repeating myself or being asked to explain myself.  If you ask me if I'm ok and I say "fine", then you ask me "are you sure?" if I wasn't sure I wouldn't have said so, and furthermore if I wasn't and really wanted to tell you I'd fucking say so.  And having to make explanations, if you can't see why I did something I did, you really weren't paying attention.  Besides the fact that I rarely do anything out in the open that isn't pretty fricken clear, if you didn't catch it then it obviously wasn't meant for you.


To close, it's not to say that all talk is all bad.  Or that being upbeat is a crime.  But if I'm not firing on all cylinders can you just assume that I might just be a little tired?  As is usually the case.  Because if something was really wrong I would A) say nothing, B) avoid the subject like the plague, and C) do my best to make damn sure you never pick up on the fact that there is an actual problem.


One of these days I'm going to end up packing all my shit and leaving in the middle of the night.  Become an invisible citizen in some all consuming city, or maybe an obscure hick town, and never look back.

Jeudi

Sometimes I really scare myself.

Today was...

Well I'm not going to try and say it out loud.  A, because I wouldn't even begin to know how to word it.  And B, I know it would sound immensely weird, not to mention sort of unbelievable.

It feels as though the life has been drained out of me.  Even as I type this I feel like all I am is fading further.  I feel used, I don't feel real.

spectacle

Yeah, and maybe that's how the West was won, but conversely it's also how lives are ruined.

weights and measures.

How is it that you're the one person I can be heartbroken for but still want to throttle?  I want to hug you and shake you.  Hold you with one hand and smack you with the other.

Falling for you has always been easy.  You've known that no matter what I'd be there to catch you.  Sometimes I wonder if maybe at some point, I should've let you fall.  Saying we've been through some shit would be an understatement.  Even so, I've tried to protect you as best I could.

I never want the world to harm you or taint your childlike purity with it's cruel, dirty hands.  I have done things.  Things I would do in a heartbeat again to keep the realities of the world from seeping onto you.  But I can't help but wonder, especially after tonight, if I've done you a disservice?

All these years standing guard, but for whose benefit? Certainly not yours, if so you'd not be so ill prepared for all of this.

With the current situation I can't do things behind the scenes like I normally would.  I would have to help where you could see.  And that is worse than doing nothing.  Then you would know, you would look back and see me just behind the curtain everytime before.

So I nail myself down right here and let you go.  Let you live and all that comes with it.  I feel a great and consuming sorrow for the hurt you are soon to endure.  But I am hoping that by your side, rather than carrying you, that I can help you to stand taller.  Help you to become all I know you can.

I believe it, though most days I'm blind to it.

The better part of our lives are anchored in faith.  I don't mean faith in the 'divine' I mean faith in general.  I would have been the first to say faith is bullshit, blah blah blah, but it just occured to me I'm really fucking stupid.  For faith to have no factor at all in my life I would have to, had to have been, 100% sure of every single decision I've ever made.  I know there's no fucking way for that to be true.  I don't think I've ever been 100% sure of anything.  Ever.  Yeah I've had good feelings, vibes about stuff, but I don't think I would've staked my life on some of those choices. 

We find ourselves saying "it will all work out in time"  or "it will happen when it's supposed to"  that, folks, would be Lady Faith herself all up in your head & heart. So there.  So *fucking* there.   All I can do is resist the urge to stick my tongue out at myself in the mirror and just laugh instead.

Thank you Universe for reminding me once again, when I most need it, that I am ever the naive lamb.