Today I find myself dark. Pretty much everything out of my mouth has been cutting, abrasive, or sarcastic. Which is actually pretty normal, except today it is not done with the usual playful spirit that makes it funny to everyone else. I have been trying not to say anything at all, but for some reason whenever I don't want to talk everyone else is loquacious. All I really want is solitude. It would be heaven on Earth right now to drive out to an open field, lay a blanket down, relax, stare at the sky, and listen to the din of the universe. It sounds like a lot, but really it's ridiculously simple. I have not had enough time alone lately and it is wearing me thin.
This will sound odd to almost everyone, but I crave lack of human contact. People, it's hard to be near them constantly. Their emotions seeping onto me, the thoughts they don't know I can read off their faces- practically shouting at me. It can really get to be too much if my mind isn't in the right place. And for that to happen I need alone time. It's much easier on the internet to interact with others. With them it's only my thoughts in my head, my emotions that I feel. I can think with untainted logic. Whether or not that helps or hinders the conversation, I don't know. But it feels better to me. At least that way I'm sure I'm me.
Some people in my RL like me this way, others not so much. Some find it helpful that they don't have to say or do much for me to understand what they are trying to tell me. Others hate it because they can't keep things from me. There is no hiding and they find it annoying. Well excuse the fuck out of me. You really think I want to know everything that crosses your mind? NO. I REALLY FUCKING DON'T. But I do, and I have to deal with it, so you might as well too, or get out of my life. Your decision. I've already made mine.
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