Down the Rabbit Hole

so much has changed. yet so much.....seems ever the same.

patterns.

i keep repeating the same patterns.

i am better in some ways.

less so in others.

i made room in my head for him without realizing it.

then one morning i woke to tears after finding i had also done this to my heart.

i carved a space.

now i'm just empty

the one person whose brain i just can't seem to figure out.

the one person who won't talk to me.

won't tell me anything.

i don't know if you're up or down

if you think of me,or if i'm utterly uninteresting to you anymore

i'd ask, but given these past few weeks i can't legitimately assume i would get a response.

so i sit and wonder. constantly. what did i do? what didn't i do? was it something i said? did you figure out i'm probably more trouble than i'm worth?

all because of you and your stupid fucking smile. when done honestly and freely it's completely captivating. my heart skips about 12 beats. your crazy stories that, if told by anyone else i would hate and think ridiculous. except because it's you, and i think the sun shines out of your ass, i find them wholly entertaining. your geekiness, which you may think to be a downfall, only suffices to make you more intriguing. you just.....have a way about you

and i fell for it fully.

three story dive, taking a header into the concrete,

break every bone in your face - fell.