varied realities

I am unsure about what motivates me currently.  I know in large part it is the overwhelming desire to move beyond where I am now.  At the beginning it was more a means to an end.  But now...for some ungodly reason I've commissioned upon myself this personal challenge of sorts.  See exactly how much I'm capable of.  See how far I can push myself.  Is there a breaking point?  I'd like to find out.  So far, by the grace of the divine, it has worked in my favor; with no real ill effect.  (other than the even more massive consumption of caffeine and occasionally nicotine.)  Ok, and maybe a few other bad habits...but we'll let those lie quietly in the shadows.  I am not even sure I'm typing what I think I am; am I even awake?  It feels as though the world as seen through my eyes, and then transmuted through my fingers to the screen, is often a surreal state.

I feel as though perhaps I am talking circles around myself.  I can't seem to form cohesive thoughts in my present state...