so much has changed. yet so much.....seems ever the same. 

patterns.

i keep repeating the same patterns.

i am better in some ways.

less so in others.

i made room in my head for him without realizing it. 

then one morning i woke to tears after finding i had also done this to my heart.

i carved a space.

now i'm just empty

the one person whose brain i just can't seem to figure out.

the one person who won't talk to me.

won't tell me anything.

i don't know if you're up or down

if you think of me,or if i'm utterly uninteresting to you anymore

i'd ask, but given these past few weeks i can't legitimately assume i would get a response.

so i sit and wonder. constantly. what did i do? what didn't i do? was it something i said? did you figure out i'm probably more trouble than i'm worth? 

all because of you and your stupid fucking smile.  when done honestly and freely it's completely captivating.  my heart skips about 12 beats. your crazy stories that, if told by anyone else i would hate and think ridiculous. except because it's you, and i think the sun shines out of your ass, i find them wholly entertaining. your geekiness, which you may think to be a downfall, only suffices to make you more intriguing. you just.....have a way about you

and i fell for it fully.

three story dive, taking a header into the concrete, 

break every bone in your face - fell.

feelings are such awful, dirty things.

i wish i never had them.

well I guess I'm feeling wordy....

is it bad that I get a sick satisfaction from these little red lines adorning my arm?

is it bad that I see them and all I want to do is make them multiply?

they criss-cross and overlap in labyrinthine patterns over skin that used to be the color of cream.  now it's just the color of rage.  anger.

a fury that begs to be unleashed and stain the world crimson.

but at the same time wishes to remain hidden.

contradiction rules my kingdom.

i wear no crown.

time has passed

things were better and now they are exponentially worse.

I'm not sure how to feel about this.

I feel like I'm drowning.

ottoke? 

So how do I do normal?

I'm a slow motion accident - lost in coffee rings, and finger prints.

I'm still trying to figure it out.....but in the meantime I do what I can to not think about it.


Things like this:

I know it's wrong.  And it's not healthy - but it's distracting enough.

I try to avoid it - but sometimes I can't stop myself. The cuts get deeper every time and I worry that I might go too far.

But when I can breathe again it's ok.  and it doesn't hurt that bad.....at least nothing compared to the inside.

honesty...or something like it...

I finally told someone.  A co-worker.  A confidant.  A close friend.

happened b/c I was very drunk and let my mouth run away at will...but I don't regret it.

I don't think....

...not sure how I feel about it.  mostly b/c I'm still drunk and I really don't give a shit about anything but sleep ATM.

sleep or puke.  that's where my priorities lie currently....I think I'll go w/sleep.  the latter is just entirely unappealing.



***

dizzy


pulse pounding in my ears; heavy w/alcohol and exhaustion.

breaths slow and jagged....but it's not so bad.

the blade holds no pull for me tonight; for the first time in a long time.

Erring on the side of tragic...

Steady diet of oxycodone, nicotine, alcohol, and caffeine.  Everything is fucked up.




But I make it look calm.  Easy.  Perfect.   Serene façade.  


You stopped looking for the cracks.  Fairly ironic; seeing as how I was so close to letting you know they do, in fact, exist.


Another pill.  Another Drink.  Smoke something.  Drink some more.  The thought of whether or not this will be my last doesn't really cross my mind.

...maybe it should.

I really shouldn't....

be drinking vodka out of the bottle like it's water.

take percocets at the same time.

give a fuck about it - but I do.

keep playing into the charade - but I am.

still be awake; alive, but hey- miracles happen.

pick that blade up anymore, but my hand feels empty without it.

be surprised; I made it so.


****

useless