as if any of it meant something

alcohol no longer burns in my throat.  in fact I'm so accustomed to the feel, it may as well be water.  But water doesn't have the components I require to survive.  It doesn't aid in blurring the edges of things you don't want to focus on.  And as of late there is much that has been drawn too sharply into the light - I just want it to go away.

If I thought I didn't sleep much before, well that was nothing compared to now.  Not that anyone could tell.  magic's in the make-up, as they say.  besides that I'm pretty epic at only allowing people to see what I want them to.  But we've gotten off topic.  sleep.  it's hard to find....but I've discovered that it helps if you try looking in the bottom of a liquor bottle and a handful of pills.  Dangerous?  nah, got a good tolerance going.

and every night, as I sink deeper, I try to figure out why I am so fucked up about all of it?  Why do I care?  Oh yeah....you'll have that when you let people in.  And those bastards are the worst; the ones that make you care.  they sneak in quietly - fucking emotional ninjas.

But after the satisfying twist of a second bottle cap, that becomes background noise.  annoying, and it pulls at you sometimes - but for the most part you can shrug it off.

and in the times you can't, well....you find something that will.  some nights are spent laying in bed with that shiny relief in hand.  you're obsessed with it, staring at the edges; knowing if you could just man up and do it, you'd feel so much better.  but you bitch out.  fumble around until you find a pharmaceutical that works.

but eventually.....that won't work.  eventually the night will be too long and undoubtedly too much to handle.  that's when the courage will come forth.  all it will take is one time.  then you'll need it, just like you need everything else.


I look at all of this, and it makes me sick.  but that, like all the rest, I ignore.  all of it lost.

Looking back is easy, remember that it's just the past...that's the hard part.

I guess time really does change a lot of things.  Hell, it changes everything.  How things look, how things feel, who we are, and who we are becoming.  It is only when you take the briefest of moments to look back, do you notice the stark contrast of then and now.  Time is not a friend, nor is it an enemy- time just is. Ever present from your intake of breath, to the death of seasons.

Living in the past, it doesn't really make much sense.  Nothing is the same as it was a minute ago, an hour ago, a year ago.  Life isn't the same, the world isn't the same, and you sure as hell aren't the same; try as you might to never change.

Things that you thought were important fall by the wayside when it's 2 am, and you're sitting in the bath room; typing out pieces of your soul into the ether.  Somethings come into focus sharply; sticking you like a needle forgotten in a garment you're wearing.  Others fade into shadow; like the moon cast behind clouds on a cool Fall night.

Or maybe all you're left with is questions and fears.  Things that gnaw at you; tear at you from your internal purgatory.  The things that drive you.  Things that make you grateful for the passage of time, because every minute that passes is minute further from this.  Another minute, another lifetime.

Suddenly time itself is changed.  Transmogrified into a bright, shiny penny found heads-up on the pavement.  New and full of promise.